Scarjo Receives Japanese Passport

In a hastily-convened ceremony at LA’s Japanese consulate this morning, Manhattan-born celebrity Scarlett Johansson accepted a Japanese passport, and the citizenship that comes along with it. According to a consular press release, she is “hopefully the first of many migrant workers” to participate in a new fast-track programme that awards Japanese passports to anyone who has put in the necessary residency time in Japan or in a Japanese body. Johansson herself announced that she was proud of her new status, “…which couldn’t come at a better time, because let’s face it: America.” She plans to stay in her birthplace, but will soon be lending her voice to a new anime at what the consulate described as “a traditionally favorable rate of pay, considering she’s one of us now.” Johansson also plans to get an anime tattoo, once the application clears. “This is great for me,” she told the press, “and it’s great for my new movie. People have been fixated on this tiresome whitewashing business, but there’s so much more to say about the film’s deeper philosophical message. It’s about a shell, with a ghost in it. And since I’m now Japanese, anyone who objects to my casting is a racist desu.”